Sanctuary

Dear Billy,

I just finished The Mansion. It took me three months to finish. I kept stopping, picking up new books, trading written words for radio--anything to distract me from it. I didn't want to reach the end of the trilogy, as if there would be nothing left for me afterward. Your books feed my romanticized image of the South, my home. I felt like if I finished the story, let go of the characters, I would be letting go of my sense of place, of home. And now that I have finished, I am feeling mournful.

But there is another fear that I must confront. It is that perhaps my love for you is waning. Of course I will always love you, but something is different now, maybe I'm different now. I find myself looking at other writers, being easily seduced by lines that would not have ever caught my eye before. I must admit to having had several crushes lately(Haruki Murakami, Tamaki Daido, etc). It just seems that they get me in a way that you don't anymore. Or maybe it's that I get them in a way that I didn't before.

But it's not you, it's me, seriously. My whole sense of place, of proportion has changed since moving to Japan. I guess I don't know what is true anymore.

As I write this I am convinced that my love for you is intense and enduring, if slightly changed. But I think that I just need some space from you so that I can see who else I might be, what else I might need. I have no doubt, however, that I will come back to you soon, if you'll still have me.

All my love,

Emily